Vae Victus

Zagar of Zagar and Evans. 2525? You know you're into it. All of this was down yesterday when I really wasn't feeling it but it wouldn't post. So I'll try again. I was pissed, to be sure. On with it, oh weary scribe.



"Lost loves, part the first."

When I was in kindergarten, there was a beautiful little dark-haired girl in my class. We got on together very well, and played many games of Stratego. Aside: (When my classmates and I played Monopoly, no one wanted to land on Charles Place. It was called "the stinky place" because of this one kid that was always shitting his pants. His name? You guessed it, Charles. Children are thoughtlessly cruel oftentimes. Kids are generally decent until they meet other kids. You give away so much of who you really are when you begin to socialize.) Face forward. One day she asked me if I liked her. Liked her? I loved her, and love her still. Being the insecure five year old I was, I told her, "No!" At this she became very upset. I frantically back-pedalled, correcting myself, "Of course I like you, I like you very much, please believe me, I do!" She would have none it, and for some reason wasn't in my class after that. I don't know why, but I always think of her when I sit at red lights in the rain.



"It's my party and I'll cry if I want to."

In that same kindergarten class there was a really rotten Isaac from "Children of the Corn" looking motherfucker named David. A total shit, for real yo'. He was deathly afraid of heights, so as punishment when he misbehaved, the male teacher would hoist him upon his shoulders and walk around. One day lil' Davy came to class and handed out birthday party invites to everyone. I didn't want to go to that impish little bastards party, but my mom made me. The other mothers did not. I was the only kid that showed up. Since it wasn't much of a party with only me and David, his mother took us around with her while she ran errands and shopped. She bought me a G.I. Joe and cried the whole time. Now that I have children of my own and understand a little better, the thought almost makes me want to cry. David and his mother seemed to walk on eggshells around his father. I don't know how David's life has turned out, but I don't think it's been all that great. A prayer for Dave and his mom, huh?



"Lost loves, part the second."

My family and I always took an annual vacation to Florida. While enroute the summer after seventh grade, I locked eyes with a girl in the car next to ours. Something passed between us, something real, and we knew, we KNEW, and we were found. Then she was lost. Her car took an exit. In the eleventh grade, when my classmates and I took the Functional Literacy Exam, the essay question was "Who would you like to meet and why?" I wrote of wanting to meet that girl, and you know why. I like to think that she and the little dark-haired girl were one and the same. Mayhap they were.



"Did I fuck up?"

Eleventh grade again. I was sitting in my friend Ernie's red Beetle parked at a gas station (the Chevron where now sits a Walgreen's.) The car was sideswiped by an old "Good Times" van with 70's striping and bubble windows. Probably had a mattress in the back. A very nervous old white man got out and hurriedly exchanged information with Ernie. While this occured, I noticed two small black children in the van watching us from the cab. The exchange was completed, and the old man sped off. It didn't occur to me later that maybe something was wrong. What were the old man and the children doing together? Why was the man nervous? Was his information even correct? I didn't hear of any kidnappings, or bad things happening to small children, but I worry about it still and it's why I became a cop. May it never happen on my watch, but I hope to be able to stop it if it does.



Skating away on the thin ice of a new day.